Captain America's American Travel Blog

Bryce Canyon National Park

2008-07-01T15:00:00.000-04:00

Some people believe that you can learn a good deal about both the history and future by staring into the depths of a large canyon. Our heroes traveled to Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah to get a glimpse of what might lay in their path for the rest of their quest.

The future looks to be made of a pit filled with spiky redish sandstone. That could be interpreted as a dark omen for their future travels.

Or…

Root Beer Bottle Candies

Japanese Chocolate Pocky Sticks

Bacon

Can you tell that we were thinking about food while looking back at our pictures from Bryce? We drove from Bryce to Salt Lake City without stopping for dinner.

Mount Zion National Park: Angel’s Landing

2008-06-30T22:41:00.002-04:00

On a reconnaissance mission we had to climb the heavens to get a better view of America. We found the amazing view we were looking for on the Angel’s Landing hike at Mount Zion National Park in Springdale, Utah.

We slept well under the stars in our large 8 person tent after filling up on Polygamy Porter, a Utah microbrew (Why have just one?), and smores around the campfire. The next morning we woke up prepared for a 5 mile that hike took us up 1800 feet via non-stop switchbacks and required all of our agility while traversing climbs up 3 foot wide paths with death looming in the form of a 6300 foot fall on either side. We pulled ourselves up the mountain at times using chains nailed into the rock. The top of Angel’s Landing provided a place for us to take a quick nap in the sun and appreciate one of the many beautifully serene places our country has to offer. Recharged with sun and sandwiches we took a few more pictures from our high perch on the mountain that we used to plot our course north through Utah.

Thanks to Tim and Troy for recommending the park and hike.

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Billy F*cking Idol

2008-06-30T22:01:00.004-04:00

Still licking our wounds and grimacing while holding our tummies after the massive meal at Pinks Hotdogs in LA, we decided we needed to rest longer before hitting the road again. We were snatched while walking on Hollywood Blvd and whisked into the Jimmy Kimmel Live Show on ABC to be part of the audience because of our standout good looks. Brendan and Lindsey were seated in the front row of the show so the director had some attractive people to cut to going in and out of commercial breaks.

His guests for the show were:

Adam Carolla (The Hammer on DVD)
Rominey Malco (40 Year Old Virgin and The Love Guru)
Peter Berg (Director of Hancock with Will Smith) Using the Burger King menu to grade the show, we thought it was a Jr. Whopper (no cheese) until the musical guest Billy Idol performed. The show took a break until the sun went down and picked back up in the theater’s parking lot where a huge stage had been constructed. Billy Idol took the stage and performed a new song “John Wayne” and his classic “Rebel Yell” for the show.

He continued to play a few other songs from his new Best Of album and then rocked through some classic rock covers too. He kicked ass because he is Billy F*ing Idol. Sufficiently rejuvenated by the rock concert, we said goodbye to Lindsey and set off in Dr. Feelgood heading back East.

Get It Sold: LA Condo

2008-06-30T15:30:00.000-04:00

In the foreign land of Los Angeles, California our heroes found a friendly East Coast face (and free room) with our friend/willing hostess Lindsey. Unphased by our warnings of the ‘Van Man Musk’ that comes as a package deal with our crew she still opened her doors. She even helped combat the travel smells we’ve picked up along the way by letting us use her laundry facilities and teaching us how to operate a steamer to press our clothes that were too wrinkled to wear out to any LA clubs. She also acted as our ambassador to the West Coast by leading us all over town to get Mexican food, see Hollywood, find Pink’s Famous Hotdogs and introduced us to the Pacific Ocean. If this sounds like an amazing 24 hours of living in LA style to you, the same opportunities can be yours (minus having a great host) because Lindsey is selling her downtown condo and moving back to DC. Help her out and buy the condo already.

Click here to see the real estate listing on Lindsey’s fabulous downtown LA condo

The condo has an open floorplan with wood floors, stainless steel appliances, in-unit washer and dryer (included), frosted glass sliding doors and balcony. Vero features one of the best gyms of any downtown condo and/or loft development, complete with men's and women's saunas! Pool, spa, yoga studio, 24 hour concierge, upscale lobby and 2 parking spaces. Available furnished at additional cost.

Features important to cross-country travels:

Blocks from downtown LA
Sleeps 5 in the living room
Able to accommodate 6 showers in under 90 minutes
Steamer available for pressing ‘going out clothes’
Washer / Dryer strong enough to handle dirty Grand Canyon/Colorado River clothes
Concierge that doubles as a tour guide
Covered Parking Garage that provides a nice home for Dr Feelgood or any other car
Close proximity to Mexican Food and Mexican Beverages
Oven, Microwave, Kitchen Sink, Lights, Door, Yada, Yada, Yada

Special Limited Time Offer:
Comes with a free pair of men’s black dress shoes (Size 10 ½)

Culinary Capers - Pink's Hotdogs... Suicide Mission

2008-06-25T14:15:00.003-04:00

Dead. All dead.

Or at least our heroes were shut down in a food coma for the next 24 hours after eating at the famous Pink’s Hotdogs in Hollywood, CA. They patiently staked out the hotdog stand that has been serving up wieners in Hollywood for the past 69 years. After an hour and fifteen minutes of menu surveillance, we stepped up to the counter and entered the all beef zone. The memory of our waitress was tested with our order but our gastronomic capacity was put to a true test when she returned with two trays of fully loaded hotdogs.

Surrounded with our backs against the wall, our only option was to eat our way out of this beefy predicament. Undaunted, our heroes overcame the hotdog suicide mission albeit wounded in the gut and deeply in need of antacids.

Here is the hotdog rundown:

Matt:
Millennium Hotdog: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Coleslaw Dog: Standard hotdog topped with coleslaw and BBQ sauce

Dan:
Martha Stewart: 12 Inch hotdog topped with saurkrawt, grilled onions, bacon, tomatoes, mustard and sour cream
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Mark:
Millennium: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Brendan:
Lord of the Rings: 10 Inch stretch hotdog with onion rings and BBQ sauce
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Chris:
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese
Spicy Polish Dog: Polish sausage topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Lindsey:
Turkey Dog: Standard sized turkey dog with ketchup.

Jock Time: Muscle Beach

2008-06-25T13:54:00.003-04:00

The Culinary Capers posts have far outnumbered our Jock Time posts to date on the trip. When we reached finally reached the West Coast, our belts were nearing their last hole and Captain America’s suit was fitting pretty snugly. To blend in with the beautiful people in LA, we hit Santa Monica’s Muscle Beach to work off some of our BBQ sandwiches, steak dinners, camping hotdogs and 11 days worth of many Bronson nights.

We climbed a 30 foot rope and swung on a rings course to embiggen our biceps and back muscles in a sun soaked workout. We took a stroll in the Pacific Ocean to strengthen our lower body by plodding through the waves. Understanding that in LA perception is more important than substance, we spent more time working on our body building poses in front of the Muscle Beach sign than we did actually exercising.

Que Rocky Training Montage Music and get ready to be inspired…

Grand Canyon National Park: Glamour Shots

2008-06-24T14:39:00.012-04:00

The real Grand Canyon National Park is a desert canyonland in Arizona where the sun is more oppressive than Mr Furley from Three's Company. Forced to decide between viewing one of the Seven Wonders of the Natural World in person or viewing the Grand Canyon as a canvas backdrop behind us at Glamour Shots in Glendale, AZ, we chose to get pictures of ourselves indoors. Air Conditioning is one of the Seven Wonders of the Convenient World that would afford us to pose in great pictures without worrying about sweatstains.

We had to walk 3 levels in the mall to find Glamour Shots because the elevators and escalators were out of order but it was well worth it. We stopped off at an Orange Julius on the 2nd floor of the mall for refreshing citrus beverages. The photographer was a pro and she kept us entertained with puppets she made talk from behind the camera.

The photographer told jokes to make Chris smile:

Photographer: Knock Knock
Chris: Who's there?
Photographer: Canyon
Chris: Canyon who?
Photographer: Can-yon leave me a nice tip.

The photographer gave us a choice of Grand Canyon backdrops:

The only way to take a bad picture at Grand Canyon Glamour Shots was if you closed your eyes when the flash went off.

This is the shot we chose to have 8x10 prints of made that many of the people reading this blog will recieve as a holiday gift.

Arches National Park: Sometimes an Arch Is Just an Arch

2008-06-24T14:36:00.009-04:00

And other times an arch is a provocative geological formation from the perverted mind of mother nature. Naughty Girl.
We received a request by the Senate Sub Committee on the Sultry Structures (SCSS) to swing by Arches National Park in Utah to evaluate where public funds should be used to support the tantalizing sandstone structures. The Senate has decided that it’s hard to define geological pornography but that you know it when you see it. Our task was to use our ‘Super Subjective Sense’ to report back to the SCSS on the extent innocent Americans could be corrupted by the provocative protrusions at Arches.

We were very aroused. In our submission to the SCSS, we suggested that some of the more objectionable formations should be dismantled.
But as a whole, the park was breathtaking in a predominantly pure way. Plus if all the formations in Arches were destroyed, Utah would be completely stripped of all stimulation. Yes, perhaps these natural aphrodisiacs should be spared.
We fixed any damage done to the part, redacted selections from our submission to the Senate Sub Committee on Sultry Structures and left the park with a new appreciation for America’s well endowed piece of Earth.

Culinary Capers - In N' Out Burger

2008-06-24T14:34:00.004-04:00

Before heading on the last leg of our trip to the West Coast, we needed to pick up our mission objectives, which were hidden at the (in)famous In N' Out Burger in Las Vegas, Nevada. The objectives were encrypted in a top secret language and hidden off of the fast food chain’s standard menu. The In N’ Out Burger menu is fairly straightforward offering only about four items: Cheeseburger, Double Double (Double Cheeseburger), French Fries and Shakes. Behind this fast food front we would find the information we needed with our password of: ****** *****

Ahh, we trust that no one is reading this blog so it wouldn’t be a breach of national security to list the real password: Animal Style. When you say this while placing your order they will serve your burger with a special sauce not too far from the special sauce on a Big Mac except with sautéed onions. Ordering a Double Double ‘Animal Style’ isn’t too uncommon. The real secret lies in ordering your Fries ‘Animal Style’ as well. They come loaded up with the Thousand Island/Mayo based special sauce, sautéed onions, melted cheese and top secret mission objectives necessary to get us to the West coast.

The simple password works because the In N’ Out Burger ‘Animal Style’ French Fries are so disturbingly unhealthy that no person would ever order them. We dismissed any thoughts of our personal health and ate the fries for the mission. When all of the cheese, special sauce and sautéed onions had been mopped up with the last of the fries, we knew our next objective.

Next Stop: Los Angeles… The Windy City!
(Thanks Kevin)

Senior Pantalones #5 – The Best Offense is a Good Detour

2008-06-22T01:03:00.003-04:00

Finally Chris has won the title of Senior Pantalones and evened the score at 1 among all participants. He was responsible for plotting Detour #4: Santa Fe which we all agreed was a great 3 hour break where we got to walk around and take in the culture of New Mexico. Chris also found Tortilla Flats where we ate good blue corn enchiladas for dinner. All around, he did a great job blazing our trail for the day.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief that Dr Feelgood didn’t win the title for the second time so we wouldn’t all be losing to a minivan. When asked why it’s taken him so long before the first time he was named Senior Pantalones, Chris said, “Dr. Feelgood is tough competition.” To celebrate his victory, Chris got a tattoo and like any respectable Senior Pantalones, he didn’t wince in pain once.

Score:
Brendan: 1
Chris: 1
Dr. Feelgood (Minivan): 1
Mark: 1
Matt: 1
Dan: DNP

Four Corners National Monument: A Place of Supreme Significance

2008-06-20T15:57:00.005-04:00

It’s widely known that Thomas Jefferson was a huge fan of geometry. So it's no surprise that when they were building the big puzzle of states that forms America, our founding fathers made four of the pieces touch each other forming a perfect X and Y axis. To honor this geographical landmark, a monument has been created to celebrate where Arizona, Colorado, New Hampshire and Utah all touch. Big deal…

Get out, take a picture and get back in the car. This place sucks.

Oh wow! Is that a snow cone stand? I take it all back. This is a national treasure just like South of the Border between North and South Carolina.

Mesa Verde: Where’d the Party Go?

2008-06-20T15:24:00.010-04:00

The crew had hit a dry spell of a few days of long drives and they were in need of excitement. We went hunting for the party in Mesa Verde National Park where we’ve heard that the Pueblo Tribe, some of the earliest Americans, has been rocking it for thousands of years. We climbed and hiked 3 miles to find the party and work off some of the BBQ pork and steaks from the trip.

The hike was a harsh reminder that the early Americans used their legs for something other than pressing an accelerate pedal. While staring at amazing landscapes, we pondered the difficult journey early explorers must have had without cruise control.

We found clues in Petroglyphs or rock carvings that the ancient Pueblo tribes had carved into the side of a mountain. Our National Park Trail guide translated the story as ‘House Party’ that went pretty bumpin’ when one of the Corn tribesman’s parents left the city in the mountain alcove for the weekend. The tribesman invited his boys from the Water and Sand tribes over to party with him and a bunch of fly honeys in the alcove. After hearing about this epic party, we hit the start button again and took our hike off of pause to hurry up and join the party.
But alas! The party was dead. Careful investigation of some Park documents led us to deduce that all of the Pueblo people had left this party around the 1200’s. They must have run out of beer.

Culinary Capers: Same Eats, Different Location

2008-06-18T23:44:00.006-04:00

Scorned by time, our adventurers failed to eat at the second restaurant that has appeared on Food Networks Diners, Drive Ins and Dives because it closes at 2 pm. They still wanted some authentic Southwestern cuisine but hunger had onset at the same time as their disappointment while standing around in the parking lot of the closed Tecolote Café. Improvisation required running back to the van and pushing off down Cerrillos Rd in search of food. The food Gods didn’t make them wait too long before offering up a Taco Bell with the familiar but still delicious crunch wraps, double decker tacos and chalupas.
Oh… But wait. Did you enjoy that little snack of misdirection we just fed you? Instead we ate at Tortilla Flats famous for their blue corn tortilla enchiladas.

The authentic Southwestern restaurant also satisfied our ‘smackering for something sweet and boozey’ with margaritas. Many expressed concerns about the future treacherous gaseous roads they faced with their 4 hour drive towards Mesa Verde that night, but still they saddled up in the van and rolled out of Santa Fe.
Editor’s Note: I couldn’t think of a more beautiful office to be blogging from, than watching the sun set on the plateaus of New Mexico from inside a minivan.

Detour # 4: Santa Fe, New Mexico

2008-06-18T23:43:00.002-04:00

The drive from Amarillo, Texas to Santa Fe, New Mexico was one of the most beautiful stretches of land we’ve traversed so far. The diverse terrain made it hard for us to get distracted by the countless DVDs, audio books or XBOX games we brought in the van. We’ve been surrounded by plains in Oklahoma and Texas the past two days but now we are staring at exposed rock faces in mountains, plateaus, random crimson red craters in the earth and rolling hills that expand beyond our horizon as we continue hurdling West with favorable a favorable speed limit of 75 mph.

Fitted with our stylish new cowboy wear we made such great time on I-40 that we decided to make a detour to Santa Fe to see New Mexico’s capital city and famous American Indian Art.

The capitol building is 1/3 government administration space and 2/3 art gallery. It featured paintings, sculptures and tapestries by Native American artists. Downtown Santa Fe is a cool walking city pleasantly littered with more sculptures and historic sites.
We walked through the Historic Plaza where American Indians were selling handmade clothing and jewelry. We tried to go to the Institute of American Indian Art but were sent walking on a trail of tears after finding out they were minutes away from closing.

The Church of St Francis of Assisi was guarded by a bronze Statue of St Francis that made him look more like a gladiator than the founding Friar. Brendan successfully navigated his way through a labyrinth of bricks outside the church but we still weren't granted admittance. St Francis is one tough bugger.

There Worn from walking about a mile (we’ve been holed up in a car for the past two days, give us a break), we searched out some sustenance.

Senior Pantalones #4 – Dr Feelgood

2008-06-18T23:42:00.000-04:00

Leaving Memphis, Tennessee at 10am and arriving in Amarillo, Texas at midnight meant that we spent the better part of 14 hours in our trusty steed “Dr. Feelgood”. We named our minivan after a blues singer who entertained us for hours at the Blues Hall on Beale St in Memphis. In addition to being an extremely reliable chariot so far, he offers the amenable accessories of satellite radio, a DVD player and an XBOX that we hooked up the Friday night before we departed from DC. Dr Feelgood made what could have been a rough day on the road into “A day in the living room but with a phenomenal view”. We watched Live Free or Die Hard, four episodes of Always Sunny in Philadelphia, listened to the kickass 90’s Alternative Rock station on satellite radio and a few episodes of This American Life (thanks Keith!), and played Halo on XBOX.

Miles Traveled as of Tuesday: 1700

Score:
Brendan: 1
Mark: 1
Matt: 1
Dr Feelgood: 1
Chris: 0
Dan: DNP

Beale St: Walking in Memphis

2008-06-18T23:01:00.011-04:00

(This post is out of chronological order but to give Beale St justice, it required thorough documentation)

Still in the early stage of their expedition, Captain America and the crew were in need of some inspiration. They are reminded of a children’s song that lists the only requirements for happiness in life as “A song in my heart, food in my belly and love in my family”. Not yet home sick due to a slathering of hugs, kisses and warnings to “Be Careful” from Moms and Dads, our heroes did need take in as much music and food as possible while in Memphis.

If you are anyone with a soul and functioning taste buds, you need look no further than Beale St for your pursuit of happiness. It offers 3 blocks of freedom where you can walk in the middle of the street with a 32 oz beer while window shopping for the next blues club you want to sample.

Meat fell off the bones of slow cooked dry ribs at Blues City Café for dinner and the late night menu featured a 7 piece blues jam band. Every 4 songs a new musician tagged in for someone playing the bass, saxophone, drums or guitar and drastically switched up the style of songs they performed.

BB King’s Blues Club while a tad touristy still served up great music with two blues sets we sat through. The first was a blind harmonica player and drummer duo that played while we shared a sausage and cheese plate. Their late night band was led by a 22 year old guitarist and 14 year old harmonica player.

Brendan adeptly figured out that you could walk through doors that connected all of the clubs on one side of Beale St which helped us circumvent the $3 cover at Rum Boogie Blues. The club has a rich history of memorabilia from the blues, jazz and rock musicians that all played there early in their career. To name a few the list included Elvis, Styxx, Steve Ray Vaugh, Aerosmith and Alice Cooper. Because the ‘the next big band’ was on a break between sets while we popped in for dinner, this was one of the few clubs that we didn’t get to hear live music at. However we were treated to an all star Memphis Gator Gumbo with sausage, chicken, alligator, catfish, shrimp and crawdads.

Silk O’Sullivan’s was a dueling piano bar with a huge outdoor patio where goats in a gated area while you enjoy the open air and their specialty drink called “The Diver”. Served in a yellow gallon bucket with 7 straws, this beverage is meant to be shared. The specifics of its contents are a secret but our heroes deduced it is mostly beer with a few shots of rum and cherry juice for color.

The club we enjoyed the most was called Mr Handy's Blues Hall where we sat through a few sets by Dr Feelgood Potts Band. This authentic blues band was fronted by Dr Feelgood Potts and his deep arsenal of harmonicas. They were cheered on by Dr Feelgood’s family in the front seats who shouted requests at him before, after and in the middle of their songs. The blues Doctor would run off of the stage mid song and out of the bar trying to get more people to come in and hear them perform. He had everyone screaming along with him and his sister-in-laws pulled Chris from our table to dance with them. The highlight of the second set they played was when Dr Feelgood Potts got so into the music that he danced his way into a few music cables and knocked a speaker off of a table and onto the floor.

Am I a Real Cowboy?

2008-06-18T14:11:00.008-04:00

The morning was kicked off with a Texas sized meal of blueberry pancakes, eggs and crispy bacon at Ye Old Pancake Station.

Then we headed to Boots N’ Jeans in Amarillo, TX to get the necessary disguises to continue heading into the Wild West, we needed to be outfitted with the right gear. . .

Chris settled on a black felt hat. He’ll be your Huckleberry.

Mark picked up a white straw hat with light brown trim that fits right for the summer season.

Matt grabbed a sharp cream palm hat with a customized brown hat belt. The saleswoman was so taken by the way he looked in his hat that she asked for his email address (so Boots N’ Jeans could send him future specials).

Brendan dug deep to his inner explorer and found a dark brown Indiana Jones hat that spoke to his heart.

We also picked up some light cotton cowboy patterned Wrangler shirts with pearl snaps to further fit in as we travel into the frontier.

Next Stop: Santa Fe, New Mexico and Mesa Verde National Park

Culinary Capers: Oklahoma Steaks

2008-06-18T13:47:00.005-04:00

Worn from a long day of driving as our heroes continue their westward trek, they arrived in Oklahoma with both their van and stomachs running on fumes. The great state lent one its most famous resources, massive steaks, for $22.95 at Cattleman’s Café in Oklahoma City.

The steaks were butchered on site at the restaurant and fresh as can be from the slaughterhouse. We all ate the filet mignon wrapped in bacon with a side of salad and mashed potatoes smothered in white gravy. The hearty meal was topped off with apple pie a la mode which was decided upon by Matt who was Senior Pantalones for the day.
Curse our satiated guts! We had another 4 hours to drive to push on through to Amarillo, Texas before the day’s travels were finished.

Senior Pantalones #3 - Where Friends Come to Meat

2008-06-17T22:31:00.002-04:00

Through his diligent planning efforts Matt has captured the title of Senior Pantalones for Day 3. He complied a list of all of the restaurants featured on Food Network’s Diners Drive Ins and Dives that they could possibly hit our trip so we would know the best local places to eat. The planning efforts paid off when we ate at Tom’s BBQ in Memphis where the food was damn tasty. Later that evening Matt teamed up with Mark to win a “Contest of Strength” over Brendan and Chris.

Matt would like to thank his family, his hunger and Jesus for this great victory.

Score:
Brendan:1
Mark: 1
Matt: 1
Chris: 0
Dan: DNP

Culinary Capers: Memphis BBQ

2008-06-17T21:30:00.005-04:00

After a mid day investigation of Graceland our heroes were attacked by sharp pangs of hunger. They were rescued by a local Shaman Chef who cooked them up a regional meal of Pulled Pork Sandwiches to cure their cravings at a culinary treatment center called Tom’s BBQ. The owner/manager, Adam, prepares his BBQ by letting it slow cook for 3-4 hours over charcoal. The legend of his BBQ powers have become even more widespread after Tom’s BBQ recently appeared on the Food Network’s Diners, Drive Ins and Dives.
Both Adam and the rest of the staff were extremely hospitable to the achy-stomached travelers. The BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches were a one of a kind eating experience. When we unwrapped the sandwiches the soft buns were slobbered almost as much BBQ sauce outside the sandwich as inside. The BBQ prescription was accompanied by fries and complimentary strawberry shortcake. The pork was juicy and cooked to perfection so that it just fell to pieces. The meat was topped with crunchy coleslaw that was a perfect partner to the meat. The BBQ sauce was so sweet and tasty that it should be bottled and sold in shot form to comfort anyone having a bad day.
As a final parting present for our fully recovered travelers, Adam invited them to try the Rib Tips from Tom’s BBQ. These are the very tender ends of the ribs that are cut off of the ribs and seasoned with a dry rub. Tender meat surrounded small bones and formed an interesting eating experience. Most other BBQ places discard the tips but at Tom’s they’ve used all of the rib to warm hearts and stomachs of their patrons.
Tom’s BBQ is a must-visit for all Memphis travelers. Thanks to Adam and the friendly staff our heroes had the necessary nutrition to continue on their journey.

Graceland: Elvis Was 'Kind of a Big Deal'

2008-06-16T17:07:00.007-04:00

Once there was a guy named Elvis. He made a lot of money by singing and appearing in movies like Forest Gump. Elvis was born in Mississippi, but built a castle called Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee. Some people think he is still alive and others think that he died as a big fat pill addict in his bathroom. One thing that everyone agrees on is that Graceland was a sweet place to die a big fat pill addict.

It's unclear why Elvis outfitted his house with a room activated audio tour, but we were thankful for it. He had a room with stained glass peacocks, a lounge with 3 TVs and a porcelain monkey, a mirrored staircase, a Cosby sweater upholstered pool room, a trophy house, and an "Elvis Cave" where he stored all of his sequin outfits.

To many who don't know much about Elvis, his most famous work was a futuristic synthesized album titled "Elvis Aloha from Hawaii via Satellite". Will Smith claims that this album was the inspiration for the performance he delivered in the 2004 film "I Robot". Plus some judging by his outfits and postures today wonder aloud if he was a drag queen (Mark), but we learned on the tour that he was once a married man and had a following of women that still today get exciting when they hear his voice or see his outfits.

Photo Essay: Memphis in the Morning

2008-06-16T16:35:00.006-04:00

Senior Pantalones # 2 - We're conquering the south like General Sherman

2008-06-16T11:42:00.005-04:00

So far we've had clear winners for Senior Pantalones. Mark won the title for Day 2 of our trip for suggesting that we take a detour along our course to visit the Jack Daniels Distillery in Lynchburg, TN and taking on a long stretch of road. His driving shift took us through 3 states because we had to go through Mississippi and Alabama to get back into Tennessee after our detour. Lynchburg is so far south in Tennessee that it was faster to dip back south and than head directly west.

Mark complimented his actions with a collection of priceless quotes.

Mark, after a long night out in Nashville:
"We're conquering the south like General Sherman".

Matt: Where should we go to hang out on Beale St after dinner?
Waitress at Blues City Cafe: There is a cool Irish bar called Silk O'Sullivans. They have a large outdoor area and there are goats in the bar.
Mark: They have Ghosts in the bar????

Tour Guide at Jack Daniels Distillery: Now I'm going to lock us in the barrel house.
Mark: Why is she going to lock us in here?

Congratulations Mark.

Score:
Brendan: 1
Mark: 1
Chris: 0
Matt: 0
Dan: DNP

Next stop: Graceland

Detour #3 – How Booze Is Made

2008-06-15T20:50:00.008-04:00

Nashville was fun. We checked out of our hotel and hit the road for Memphis. Mark heard from someone in Nashville that we were close to the Jack Daniels Distillery. A quick unanimous van vote changed our course and the day to add a detour through Lynchburg, Tennessee to learn how Jack Daniels whiskey is made (last night we found out how it tastes).

Our tour was very informative on both the process of distilling whiskey and the history of Jack Daniels. The tour guide had a thick Tennessee accent and colorful southern twang. Her accent was so twangy at times we were clueless if she was talking about the type of wood they use to make the whiskey barrels or how plants absorb sunlight and convert it to energy in a process called photosynthesis. She thought we had an Indiana accent and that she didn’t have an accent because everyone in her town sounds the same and that all of us “War of Northern Aggression" types sound the same to her. (Except for the accents part, the last sentence was mostly an editorial comment to help paint the picture of how we view southerners).

How Whiskey Is Made:
1) Pick quality wood and build Lincoln log type structures that will be set on fire to form charcoal.

2) Use fresh well water from a cave in a mountain on the Jack Daniels Distillery property.

3) Visit the old wooden house where tour guides talk about Jack Daniels’ life. Maybe this has something to do with the aging process but it wasn’t completely clear. Jack died at the age of 61 after he angrily kicked his safe and got gangrene in his foot. A few bits of his gangrene foot make it into every barrel of whiskey (Drink up!).

4) Something happens with yeast to produce a horrible smell that I don’t recommend you inhale if you imbibed the night before.
5) No Flash Photography is allowed on the tour. The tour guide explained flash photography is bad for whiskey because it spoils the color causing it to look neon yellow like Red Bull rather than dark mahogany brown.

6) Drip the yeast liquid that was not photographed using a flash and filter it through the charcoal. This process is pretty much like using a Brita water filter except it produces sweet sweet booze rather than water.

7) Watch another video about how they make barrels. Each barrel is tested personally by Donkey Kong rolling it down a construction site at Super Mario. If the barrel doesn’t break when it gets to the bottom of the stage (or smashed by Mario with a power mallet), it gets filled with liquid booze. We then learned that due to a communication barrier the color of whiskey actually comes from the wood barrel and Not Using Flash Photography…we still don’t know why we weren’t allowed to use a flash.

8) Watch another video about bottling whiskey. It’s all done by old white women with salt and pepper perms.

9) The barrels are stored from anywhere between 6 weeks to 731 days (Tennessee accent). The master distiller who looks like Baseball Tonight’s John Kruk arbitrarily decides when the whiskey has been in the barrels long enough and then makes the booze available for you to drink and forget all of the problems in your life. It’s unclear why they show you barrels after the bottling process, but who are we to question southern tradition.

10) We were amazed to learn that a space center is located near Jack Daniels distillery, so the liquor stores around the world can get rocket delivered whiskey as soon as Kruk gives us it the ok…the moon landing is a cool feat, but the delivery system brings joy to all, I think this needs more press.
Tip: Don’t visit the Jack Daniels Distillery on a Sunday because no booze is served or sold in Lynchburg, Tennessee even if you take a 2 hour detour looking for a sip.

Next stop: Memphis

Senior Pantalones #1 – Have You Met Us?

2008-06-15T13:24:00.005-04:00

On a day where everyone drove and everyone shared the decision making, it looked like the collective awesomeness of the group would make it hard to single out Senior Pantalones. We pulled into Nashville around 7pm with a clean van having driven through rain for most of the day and went to hunt down some food. Our dinner of sub-par pork BBQ sandwiches at Rippy's, Yazoo Nashville microbrew beer and live country music was capped by writing Brendan’s cell phone number on the check for our waitress while he was in the bathroom.

Throughout the night while we enjoyed country music and drinks, Brendan keeps exchanging text messages with a mysterious person. Using his insider information, he is able to deftly navigate us to cool bars like a Nashville local. Sunday morning when we woke up and rubbed the crust from our eyes, we asked Brendan who told him about the bars we went to. He said he was getting tips from a random Nashville number that kept texting him. Clearly Brendan left an impression on our waitress when he suavely ordered “A pulled pork sandwich with french fries”.

Congratulations Brendan on your lead off Senior Pantalones victory!

Score
Brendan: 1
Chris: 0
Mark: 0
Matt: 0
Dan: DNP

Detour #1 – James Madison University

2008-06-14T17:02:00.013-04:00

If you are going to travel, you need directions. That’s not a Chinese proverb, just a fact.

Two hours into our trip, it was time for breakfast and to get our travel plans we decided to fill up on Shmiscuits, Schmagels and Shmuffins at Sheetz. After eating, we drove through Harrisonburg to consult a wise bronze mentor, James Madison and receive our official itinerary. Our seemingly simple task of picking up our directions quickly proved harder than expected. James Madison decided to impose a test of ‘worthiness’ and said that “You Shall Not Pass Until You Defeat Me in an Arm Wrestling Contest”. He is a big deal former president guy and now made of bronze both of which make him a formidable opponent even for a super hero.

Thankfully we had been doing our Over The Top road exercises to strengthen our biceps and forearms since leaving from D.C. Those two hours of training paid off as after a 9 minute long back and forth arm wrestling match, Captain America finally pinned the bronze fist of James Madison.

As promised, James Madison turned over the AAA Trip Tix with turn by turn directions for the whole trip.

In a surprising move, he also agreed to let the travelers meet his pet Duke Dog and learn how to be fierce in the face of adversity. Duke Dog nearly bit off Chris’s head but he was eventually tamed.

The travelers received a hand shake and “Good Luck” from James Madison and a nice hard bronze lick from the Duke Dog. Then they loaded back into their van and pushed off on the highway towards Nashville again.

American Land Ho'

2008-06-14T08:35:00.006-04:00

Hark! I sense adventure on the horizon. Yes, using my Super Sight I can see that this requires investigation.

After a quick Congressional Appropriations meeting to acquire funding I, Captain America, and the Patriot Force must embark on a three week ‘Quest for Awesome’ to explore the Heartland. The bill labeled “Lewis & Clark Part II: Let’s Get This Party Started”, breezed through the House but just squeaked by in the Senate. For a brief moment when the budget line item for Giant Foam Cowboy Hats was called into question. Senator Byrd (D), WV balked at paying for 11 Giant Foam Cowboy Hats when only 5 people are part of the American Re-Discovery team. Party lines were instantly divided, but upon finding out that the Giant Foam Cowboy Hats were made in the US, a bipartisan decision was reached that the team of adventurers would be outfitted with 315 of the hats.

The excessive order was placed in the interest of stimulating the economy. The team bought a car top carrier to store away the hats, loaded their gear and departed.

Destination Fun #1 – Nashville, TN

Goodnight Metro

2008-06-12T00:08:00.005-04:00

In the great off white room
There was a telephone
And a black keyboard
And a print out of a Timesheet

And there three needy clients waiting in a line
And two new projects
With a pair of emails

And a large cup of coffee
With a packet of sugar

And a clean white bowl full of instant mush
And a room with a conference call where people whisper "Hush"

Goodnight Metro
Goodnight great off white room
Goodnight telephone and black keyboard
Goodnight Timesheet

Goodnight clients
And Goodnight emails

Goodnight coffee
And Goodnight sugar

Goodnight SmartTrip
And Goodnight Instant Mush
And Goodnight to the Bossman whispering "Hush"

Hello Stars
Hello Clean Air
Hello Moon

Senior Pantalones: A Daily Quest for Awesome

2008-06-10T23:45:00.011-04:00

Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em was a dominant album in 1990 topping the music charts for 21 weeks straight. The nation was wrapped in MC Hammer's rhymes as he danced his way into our hearts with his flashy trash bag pants. For nearly half a year, Hammer was "Mr Pants".

While it's unlikely that any hip hop albums will be released by the crew in our van during the course of the trip, that's not to say that great things still won't be going down. A winner will be announced each day in our Daily Quest for Awesome as one of us gets to wear the 24 hour title of "Senior Pantalones". The honor can be won for any significant accomplishment such as eating the most food at dinner, driving the longest stretch of road of the day, successfully pitching a tent, buying the most rounds of drinks or being the most accurate on the shooting range.

The privileges that come with being dubbed Senior Pantalones are many and include everything from deciding which Arby's we stop at for lunch while driving, having first choice of who he wants to share queen bed with, to deciding where he goes in the line up of hung over morning showers. Similar to how they help individual achievement stand out in the Tour de France, our Senior Pantalones will have to carry around The Trophy of Glory , a 8 inch marvel of marble and plastic topped with a gold-painted hot rod. You can't get a beautiful trophy like this anywhere, no way. You have to go Goodwill to buy them.

The person who has accumulated the title of Senior Pantalones the most over the course of our trip will take home The Trophy of Glory as our Champion. Keep checking in to see is leading the Senior Pantalones and by all means, please gamble on this competition.

To Beard or Not to Beard

2008-06-01T11:40:00.006-04:00

Its widely known that Beardliness is next to Manliness which is next to Godliness. But the question before us is whether Beardliness should be a staple of Roadliness. Many great explorers have had facial hair as a prerequisite for travel like Marco Polo, Friedrich Wilhelm Ludwig Leichhardt and B. A. Baracus to name a few. The advantages of road beards include saving dozens of minutes that it would take for 5 guys to shave, added warmth for the cold camping nights in the northern US and sheer awesomeness in appearance. Three weeks is a sufficient amount of time (if not too much time) to grow a road beard, however, there are other factors to consider.

1) Anonymity. Keeping my civilian alias of "Steve Rogers" has always been an important factor in being able to live my true life as Captain America. My suit, shield and mask serve not only as driving factors in haute fashion but also help prevent people from being able to match my two alter egos. My nose, mouth and chin are the only visible parts of my body and covering them with a beard would make it too easy for people to match Captain America with Steve Rogers.

2) Class. Would you wear flip flops to the white house? No. When I get out in the heartland, I want to look my best and having an unkempt travel beard is unquestionably not classy.

3) Klingons. Oops, I meant Cling-Ons. While there is a huge difference between an alien warrior race from Star Trek and remnants of Cheetos that you can't get out of your travel beard, it is certain that neither of these similar sounding words are something you want to encounter in your travels.

Over the Top: A Lesson in How to Stay in Shape on the Road

2008-05-29T18:54:00.010-04:00

Many have asked how we plan to keep our ripped manly figures while doing nothing except eating, drinking and driving (not necessarily in that order, well at least the drivers won't be drinking).

Following the example set by Sylvester Stallone's workout routine in the classic road film "Over the Top", not only will we stay in shape, but we will come back fitter than ever. Armed with classic exercises such as the Sunset Stretch, Roadside Push Ups and Armwrestling our five traveling heroes will be heating up the summer. Look out ladies.

Click the green caption icon to see the name of each exercise.

Cuisine Connundrum!

2008-05-28T12:36:00.011-04:00

The Nazi/Communist Evildoer "Red Skull" has wasted no time antagonizing our adventurers as he throws a wrench in their dining plans. Hours after hanging up the phone with AAA and ordering a Trip Tix based on a semi-solid itinerary, we've found that Rendezvous BBQ in Memphis, Tennessee is closed all day on Sunday and Monday. Memphis, our scheduled second stop, is famous for BBQ and Rendezvous is considered of the 7 Meat Wonders of the World among non-vegetarian pork eaters.

This routine two-day closing of a southern BBQ restaurant can only be the work of a known Nazi/Communist saboteur. In the past Red Skull has been held accountable for his crimes against humanity and many are questioning how the International Courts will deal with him for this latest plot. World Hunger has been a growing international concern and it will be a legitimate cause for worry among the parents' of our heroes on Sunday, June 15th and Monday June 16th.

Relying on their tactical prowess, a red and white shield and the Internet, our heroes have found four new options for pig feasting in Memphis. Stay tuned to find out which of the alternative BBQ routes they will follow. Sources close to the heroes have been informed that they might have to eat at all four purveyors of juicy chopped pork as they refuse to let a Nazi/Communist monster stand in the way of meat clogging their aerteries.

A rundown of Memphis BBQ restaurants that are open on Sundays and Mondays include:
www.tomsbarbq.com
www.marlowesmemphis.com
www.leonardsbarbecue.com
www.cozycornerbarbecue.com

Members of the Wagon (MiniVan)

2008-05-28T00:17:00.002-04:00

Hero Dan
"The Baby's Man"

Heroes Chris and Matt
"Uncle Sam's Nephew" & "Eli 'The Inventor' Whitney"

Hero Mark
"Commander Coordination"

Hero Brendan
"Mr. Suave"

Trip Checklist - Masked Avenger from DC

2008-05-27T23:51:00.003-04:00

Here are a few of the things I'll need for the 3 week expedition across the country. Any contributions would be appreciated.

Red, White and Blue Superhero Outfits - 3
Nigh-indestructible discus-shaped shield made from a fusion of vibranium with an experimental steel alloy - 2
Axels - 2
Oxen - 0
10 Gallon Wash Tub - 1
Knives - 2
Guns - 1
Gunpowder - 4 pounds
Meat (not fish) - 70 pounds
Bandannas - 3
Overalls - 2
Flannel Shirts - 2
Tents - 2
Pots - 2
Pans - 1
OTPHJ Punch Cards - 5
Cases of Miller High Life - 7

26 y/o M ISO America the Beautiful

2008-05-27T23:43:00.000-04:00

"Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
America I have a MiniVan...
And I'm coming to find You"

- Captain America